Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
