Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
