i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
