So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
