he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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