I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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