If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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