Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
