By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
