i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
