tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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