My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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