I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
