I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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