My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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