i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
