I am midnight drunk by noon
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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