oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
