you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
