She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
