i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
