I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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