I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
