I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
