i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
