the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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