My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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