Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
