Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just gift wrapped bread.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
