I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
