the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
