I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
