and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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