Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
