what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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