How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
