Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
