You smell like a Billy Joel song
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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