I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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