I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
