Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
