omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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