Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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