She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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