remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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