I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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