I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
