if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
