Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize