My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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