Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
