we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
