Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
