I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
