Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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