no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
