I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You made out with two different species that night
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize