i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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