An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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