Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
