I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
