So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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